Sitting at the breakfast table with my family, I can hardly keep my eyes open while I down the first of today's many coffees. It will give me a little boost to leave the house and get to work. I am going to be late again and I really don't care. Driving to my dead-end job, I have to keep the inside of the car cool and take care not to play any soothing music or else I will fall asleep. I put the local morning show on the radio so my annoyance with local, provincial and federal politics will keep me awake.
When I finally get to work, I plop down at my desk and get my slouch on, resting my chin on my left palm with my elbow propped up on the desk. I down another extra large coffee with three cream and three sugar like it's water, after 40 days of wandering in the desert. This is how I will stay for the next 8 hours, only moving to get more coffee, get lunch or slightly move my hand to answer the phone. I have zero motivation and am a slave to my internal mind chatter all day, which is the only part of me that doesn't tire out.
This is how I lived my life for almost two years.
I was pre-diabetic, overweight and had a hypo-thyroid. Being in this state of health really tried to slow me down but I still kept the pace up. Working, volunteering, partying, planning, teaching and parenting. I didn't get the message to slow down because I was too busy not slowing down. There was a battle in my body that I had no idea was happening.
I tried to loose weight with commercial diet plans, counting calories, cardio and raw food. Nothing worked! Of course not, I had a slow thyroid which controls your metabolism. Slow thyroid equals slow metabolism.
I could not concentrate because my mind was so cloudy. The fog was slowly making me crazy. I would beat myself up inside, telling myself that I was lazy cause I couldn't stay awake or that I was regressing to my teenaged years because I had no motivation. The internal slapping myself in the face while I lived in my car driving to a bunch of activities I didn't want to do. The voice of Sri K Pattabhi Jois, "Everyone can practice yoga, except lazy people" pouring on the guilt that I couldn't wake up to do my yoga practice.
Depression was starting to settle in and I was fully aware of it. The constant negative mind chatter became the normal and I was fully aware of it. The pounds of fat adding inches to my waistline and I was fully aware of it. The anger I felt and expressed was overwhelming because I was fully aware of what was happening to me. There was one thing I had to do to stop all of this and I was fully aware of it. My attachment to this unfulfilling life was strong. I wanted to stay in this rut because at least I knew it kept a roof over my head and food on my table.
I held on to this life with all my might and I would have done it for many more years. Finally God took over and dealt a card that ended the game. It was the choice I was looking for....it was the sign I was waiting for......I knew what I had to do and this time I did it. I had to choose between taking a job at work that would have continued my attachment to the this wrong life or get laid off. Knowing with my whole being that it was the right thing to do, I decided to get laid off.
This started a huge domino effect on all my decisions. I looked at things differently. No I was not going to that thing in the desert because I felt like I had to complete a project that I could no longer support. Instead I am going to stay home to support my son and his new journey into grade one. No I am not going to support a community of people that consistently trampled on me over the past five years. Instead I am going support my family and watch them grow in confidence and love over a lifetime. No I am not going to do a job just to bring home the bread and butter. Instead I am going to do my Dharma....do what I am meant to do. That is to teach yoga and critical alignment therapy.
This has made all the difference. I have lost more than 30 pounds, no longer pre-diabetic, healed my thyroid and am closer to my family. By not fulfilling my Dharma, I was slowly killing myself. Now I feel alive, loved and connected to my True Self. By listening and making that leap of faith I have come into a life of happiness that I only used to read about in my yoga books. It is there and it can exist. Listen to the whispers of the Divine. If you choose not to listen those whispers will become louder. If you still choose not to listen instead making your mind chatter louder to drowned out the messages, the Divine will turn your world upside down. Making it very uncomfortable for you until you listen.
Do your Dharma!!!! You know what it is. Listen!
4 comments:
Yay Jen!!! Very proud of you... This post makes me happy :)
It's difficult to imagine how much courage was required to make that giant leap of faith, to break from so many of the big things in your life all at once. And you're right - it's rarely a question of what do I need to get away from. It's always a matter of how do I move forward? Every religion, every spiritual path, and every branch of psychology has a different answer to that question, which can be pretty daunting if you're just trying to figure out where to start. But they all agree on one thing: that little voice inside that knows your true path, whatever it is, it's real and it's there inside you, waiting. My hat is off to you for looking inside and taking notice.
Thanks Ty!
Thanks Reverend!
It's so comfortable, in a way, to stay in a place that is actually uncomfortable. We tend to want to do what we know and not venture into the unknown. "The unknown is a scary place for a squirrel". But yet - sometimes we need to in order to grow and be healthy! Good for you! What a leap, and how wonderful for you!
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